My Body is Tired And So Is My Mind

My body is tired and so is my mind. I’m tired of being sick. I’m tired of doing a body check each morning when I wake up to see if I’m well enough to function each day. It seems like I get one issue temporarily taken care of and another issue appears.These past two weeks are a good example. October 14th I had a hydrodistention to hopefully relieve some of my IC symptoms. I knew going into it that I would most likely have 1-2 weeks of a flare up afterward which did in fact happen. I woke up on October 24th feeling better than I had in months. I even blogged about it (A Goodnight’s Sleep). The next day I woke up and wasn’t experiencing any bladder issues but had a terrible headache for the greater part of the day. Wednesday I woke up and my headache was gone and I wasn’t experiencing bladder pain, but I was having IBS issues due to the over the counter pain meds I’d used the day before to try and combat the headache. By Thursday night, my IC was flaring up and I had to do a bladder instillation at home. The flare continued to rear it’s ugly head and on Sunday I had to do another bladder instillation. Monday I continued to not feel well which led to Tuesday night’s feeling of being on fire. Today I woke up in pain. Was it a flare up? No. Was it a migraine? No. IBS? No. Today my pain was related to female issues which may or may not be ovarian cysts. I had a partial hysterectomy in 2008, leaving my ovaries intact to avoid taking hormones and pushing my body into instant menopause. While I no longer suffer through terrible periods, I do experience pain when I ovulate. It seems to happen every other month but is sometimes unpredictable. I do not have the proper pain meds to help me through this. The pain meds I do have barely touch the pain. The pain, for lack of a better way to describe it, feels like labor pains waxing and waning throughout the day. I made it through the day but I cannot tell you how. There was little to nothing I could do to find relief. A hot bath helped for a little while but the pain returned. Ditto the heating pad. I couldn’t find a comfortable position to lay in and sleep escaped me.

My body is tired and so is my mind. I’m tired of feeling like I’m failing in every area of my life. Today I was reduced to picking my son up from school in my pajamas because I couldn’t be bothered to get dressed. Thankfully it looks more like a sweatsuit than pajamas, however it was the first thing he commented on when he got in the car. I think I might have brushed my teeth and hair today but I can’t be sure. When we got home, I cuddled up to my heating pad and left him to do his homework on his own. I think he had a good day at school but I didn’t feel much like playing 20 questions and he seemed fine. I’m clearly Mother of the Year. I was in bed the rest of the night until about an hour ago when my boyfriend came to bed. He’s another one I feel like I’m failing. He deserves someone who is actually normal. Someone who gets the occasional cold or flu but is healthy for the most part. Tonight we talked for about 15 minutes while laying in bed and we didn’t even see each others face. I couldn’t tell you what he and my son had for dinner or if they even ate. I can tell you that he finished the laundry as I see it all laid out nicely over the back of the couch. Laundry that was in the washer and dryer all day that I couldn’t be bothered to do. I can’t tell you the last time I had a normal conversation with either of my parents. All phone calls and visits seem to revolve around poor health-either mine or theirs. I’m failing myself on so many levels too. I’ve tried to be kinder to myself but as you know, that’s not always easy. I was enrolled in an online algebra class and held a steady “D” average for the first four weeks of class but had to drop it because of health issues. Math is the only thing holding me back from getting a college degree. I’m stuck in a job that pays well and is secure but after almost ten years I’m burnt out and would like to have a different career. I can’t change jobs even if I could find one that paid as well because I obviously need the medical benefits as well as the FMLA.

My body is tired and so is my mind. There’s a low grade depression that accompanies chronic pain. There are days when I wish I had an on-call counselor to talk me through it all-to whisper reassuring words in my ear. Through my medical insurance at work there is a health program wherein if we took a health assessment we will have slightly lower rates for six months. I need money like everyone else so I took the health assessment. Afterwards, I had to fill out an online survey, which I did as part of the agreement to lower my rates. Little did I know, that doing so would give me the opportunity to have my very own health coach. She’s never bothered to call me but did send me an email asking the same health assessment questions and a few more questions about my medical history. I was really looking for help so I told her about my overlapping conditions and how much pain I am in on a daily basis, my low grade depression, and that I fell off the non-smoking wagon although I try and do better each day. Out of all the things I told her I needed help with or needed help dealing with, which do you think she zeroed in on? Smoking. Have I set a date to quit. I was so disgusted with her I didn’t even reply. I wanted to write back and tell her that if I could get rid of or lower the frequency of my other issues, perhaps I wouldn’t find the need to smoke. I give up. Yes, smoking is bad. It’s especially bad for those with IC issues, however some days it’s the only way to make it through the day.

My body is tired and so is my mind. I’m sure I have adrenal fatigue. Having chronic pain has really taken it’s toll on both my body and mind. I rarely feel rested. I crave sugar all the damn time-probably as a quick pick me up since I can’t have caffeine. I’m worn out. Perhaps my body would react differently if it could catch a break. There’s no down time. Even the one day last month when I felt really good part of me was worrying about what the next minute, next hour, next day would bring. I know I wasn’t always this way. I used to be pretty happy go lucky with the occasional migraine thrown in to keep my honest. Then gradually things started progressing to where I am today. I can’t even contribute my diminished health to old age as I’m only 38. I’m not sure I can handle old age if my body is already beginning to give up on me.

My body is tired and so is my mind. I’m tired of of being on this roller coaster of pain. It makes me want to stomp my feet and yell ‘It’s not fair!’. It really isn’t fair. It’s not fair that in the past month alone I’ve had one really good no pain at all day. It’s not fair that once I get one issue under control another issue appears. It’s not fair that my family is “short changed” due my health issues. It’s not fair that I’m complaining like I am as I know there are those who are worse off than I am. People with a lot more pain and many, many more issues. People who have suffered from chronic pain for many, many more years than I have. People who even perhaps have terminal illness. My heart goes out to you. It really does.

My body is tired and so is my mind…

Goodbye, my love….

After 20 years together I decided that the attraction-the need- for you to be a constant in my life had to end. I felt so callous giving up on you so abruptly. You had been with me through so much: my first divorce, my parents divorce, the death of several family members, disassociating myself from my siblings, my second divorce and all the heartaches and stressful times in between. You’d been there for me like a co-dependent friend. It was all about me and what I wanted and needed. You were there to provide whatever type of support I needed day or night. Your value increased significantly through the years and that just meant going without something else to have you in my life.

It’s been six days since I left you. Sadness, remorse, depression, exasperation-these are all words that come to mind when I think of the loss I suffered by saying goodbye to you.  Bargaining with God for just one more moment with you. Just one more quiet moment with you. The moment I was begging for never came and hopefully never will as leaving you has proven to be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I know from my experience these past six days that the effects of having you in my life are long lasting. You and me, we were a team a for so long. I will have to rearrange my thought process and the way I do things day to day to avoid the feeling in the pit of my stomach that you should be here, sharing these times with me. The truth is, no matter how much I know deep down inside that you are wrong for me, I still love you. I miss our tryst on the patio at work and other appointed places where you and I could go and be alone together. We were in seclusion a lot, you and I. Never together in the house, nor the car, where we might make others uncomfortable but alone in our special places we were.

It may be difficult for you to understand but my friends and family are happy to see that you’re gone as well. Yes, while it’s true that you were once a large part of their personal lives they too, have turned their back on you. They were only tolerating you because they wanted to be around me. That may sound harsh but it’s true.

Those that used to know you well tell me this feeling of loneliness-this huge sense of loss will eventually fade away. I hope they’re right. I can’t live the rest of my life mourning you. It’s ironic to me that having you in my life for so many years gave me a sense of emotional security and now I have had to let you go for physical security and wellness.

You see, Cigarette, not only are you bad for me in general, you are extremely bad for me and others with IC as you irritate the bladder. Keeping you in my life might also someday lead to bladder cancer. I don’t need bladder cancer or any other type of cancer that you will freely give me. No thank you. I gave you up at midnight, the morning of my surgery six days ago because I needed to be in control again. For over 20 years I let you rule my life and I’m not proud of that. I am proud of myself for regaining control and saying good bye to you. It has not been easy, but it will be worth it.