After 20 years together I decided that the attraction-the need- for you to be a constant in my life had to end. I felt so callous giving up on you so abruptly. You had been with me through so much: my first divorce, my parents divorce, the death of several family members, disassociating myself from my siblings, my second divorce and all the heartaches and stressful times in between. You’d been there for me like a co-dependent friend. It was all about me and what I wanted and needed. You were there to provide whatever type of support I needed day or night. Your value increased significantly through the years and that just meant going without something else to have you in my life.
It’s been six days since I left you. Sadness, remorse, depression, exasperation-these are all words that come to mind when I think of the loss I suffered by saying goodbye to you. Bargaining with God for just one more moment with you. Just one more quiet moment with you. The moment I was begging for never came and hopefully never will as leaving you has proven to be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I know from my experience these past six days that the effects of having you in my life are long lasting. You and me, we were a team a for so long. I will have to rearrange my thought process and the way I do things day to day to avoid the feeling in the pit of my stomach that you should be here, sharing these times with me. The truth is, no matter how much I know deep down inside that you are wrong for me, I still love you. I miss our tryst on the patio at work and other appointed places where you and I could go and be alone together. We were in seclusion a lot, you and I. Never together in the house, nor the car, where we might make others uncomfortable but alone in our special places we were.
It may be difficult for you to understand but my friends and family are happy to see that you’re gone as well. Yes, while it’s true that you were once a large part of their personal lives they too, have turned their back on you. They were only tolerating you because they wanted to be around me. That may sound harsh but it’s true.
Those that used to know you well tell me this feeling of loneliness-this huge sense of loss will eventually fade away. I hope they’re right. I can’t live the rest of my life mourning you. It’s ironic to me that having you in my life for so many years gave me a sense of emotional security and now I have had to let you go for physical security and wellness.
You see, Cigarette, not only are you bad for me in general, you are extremely bad for me and others with IC as you irritate the bladder. Keeping you in my life might also someday lead to bladder cancer. I don’t need bladder cancer or any other type of cancer that you will freely give me. No thank you. I gave you up at midnight, the morning of my surgery six days ago because I needed to be in control again. For over 20 years I let you rule my life and I’m not proud of that. I am proud of myself for regaining control and saying good bye to you. It has not been easy, but it will be worth it.
Ms. Peebody 