This Trick Isn’t a Treat at All

He Mocks Me

Halloween used to be  one of my favorite holidays. Not because of the costumes but because of the candy! Candy corn, M&M’s, Reese’s Peanut Butter cups, etc. Yummy. It was the only holiday that I was happy to see the stores start stocking their shelves for earlier and earlier each year.

Big or small I enjoyed them all...

This year, I feel a bit differently about Halloween. In fact, I have a sense of mourning. I won’t be able to partake of the usual chocolate goodies that I loved so much. Chocolate is bad for IC patients and somehow that fact seems almost personal. As I’ve mentioned in an earlier post, M&M’s used to be my comfort food. Specifically, plain M&M’s. A couple of hundred handfuls of chocolaty goodness used to make my day that much more special. I was known to be a lover of these little chocolaty goodies by family and friends. When they found out that chocolate would no longer be a part of my diet they gasped and the first thing they mentioned was M&M’s.Of all the things I’ve had to give up over the past 2-3 years, soda and chocolate are what I miss the most. Chocolate was yummy. Chocolate was comforting. Chocolate was my friend.

I miss you, dear friends.

Candy corn is also out. Or at least as much as I used to eat. Sugar isn’t good for the bladder either. I especially liked candy corn at this time of year because it was probably the only time of year that it was fresh but also because in recent year it came in a variety of flavors. Yes. Even.Chocolate. Flavor.

When I found out chocolate was no longer allowed as part of my recommended daily allowance, I began searching the Internet for alternatives. I found it funny that when I Googled ‘What are the best alternatives to chocolate’ that I found a site where a lady was asking the same question I was and her post received 63 responses, most detailing not alternatives but how to cut down on the intake of chocolate. I did come across an alternative called carob. I had a difficult time finding it in stores though. I eventually found it at Whole Foods. I made carob cookies from the cookbook ‘A Taste of the Good Life’. The cookies were light and fluffy and tasted good. I couldn’t tell they weren’t made from chocolate. Carob is really dark brown, almost black in color so the cookies didn’t look as appetizing as I’d have hoped but they were definitely tasty. Today my day off and I’m going to celebrate by making some goodies with carob. I have to do what I have to do. This girl needs some chocolate! Enjoy your Halloween and please, have some M&M’s for me!

Chronic Illness and Depression

Statistics show that 1 out of 4 people suffer from mental illness. Stop and think about this for a second. In regards to family, this means that someone in your family probably has or has had a mental illness. If you broaden the scope to those outside of your family you know, it’s more than likely that one or more of your friends  or acquaintances has or has had a mental illness. Broaden the scope even more and probably more than one person you work with has had or is suffering from a mental illness. When I first read the statistics, I didn’t comprehend how large the percentage of the population that suffers from mental illness really is. Numbers have never been my strong point, When I broke it down like I did for you, I was flabbergasted. These statistics mean that mental illness is more common than heart disease, diabetes and cancer. 

For the purpose of this blog, I will focus on depression as it pertains to chronic illness, or chronic pain syndrome. For those of us with chronic illness’ the problem is twofold: We have not only the illness to deal with but the changing of our lives as we know it. Having a cold or the flu is irritating but on some level, we know it will run it’s course and go away. With a chronic illness, we don’t have that luxury. The pain may last for days, weeks, months or years or in some cases go into remission for an undetermined amount of time, We don’t have a lot of control of when the pain may or may not end. C-o-n-t-r-o-l. A seven letter word that’s so hard to grasp. I would love to have control over not only my illness’ but also the effects that it has on my daily life. I would love to make plans to do something I find fun and interesting and know that I will actually be able to follow through with the plans. The truth of the matter is, I can’t. So I don’t.

Having a chronic illness does not always lead to depression but it can and often does. Just like the chronic illness itself, depression can last for days, weeks, months and years, I have been depressed on several occasions, for several different reasons. Here are a few examples: I don’t feel well enough to go to work so I call in sick…again. I’m out of sick time so this is time without pay. I’ve tried to work out and usually feel good while working out but whatever it is I’m doing isn’t good for IC bodies and I feel the wrong kind of pain within hours. This has left me with a body that I’m not too appreciative of. I want to take my 10 year old to the park to kick the soccer ball around like I promised him I would that morning. I can’t follow through with it because when I made the promise I felt fine, when the time came to follow through I was in pain-this is a big reason I don’t make plans. I have been sick for weeks at a time, forgetting what it’s like to have a “normal” day. I have been to see doctors who throw their hands up in the air and tell me they haven’t the slightest clue what’s wrong with me but most likely whatever it is, it’s all in my head. I have been fortunate in that these minor bouts with depression don’t last longer than a few days to a week. However, I’ve known people with chronic illness’ whose depression has lasted for much longer or is ongoing,

One of the biggest triggers of depression for me is isolation. Many people can empathize with someone because they have the cold or the flu, Even a broken bone or obvious injury can be a conversation starter with those who have suffered the same or similar injury. But a chronic illness is difficult because it’s not usually noticeable to others, I can try and explain to others what it is I’m feeling and they may try and understand but they don’t. They can’t. For the past 5 or 6 years, I’ve had this burning between my pubic bone and belly button. I’ve felt like I’m on fire from the inside out. My trips to the bathroom both day and night are plentiful. Not many people can relate to that. After all this time I finally have a diagnosis of IC. While it’s great that I finally know what the problem is I am still alone in the battle for now. Over 1 million people have IC, but I have yet to meet one person who admits to suffering from it.

Another trigger for depression is what I like to call the spiral effect. I wake up in the morning and don’t feel well enough to get out of bed. I call in sick, as mentioned earlier, and have to take time off without pay, I medicate. I sleep. I wake up and see how I’m feeling, I take more pills and get some rest. I wake up the next day and may very well feel better but I’m so ‘hungover’ from my medicine that I can’t get up and go to work which leads to more time off without pay. Which then leads to more depression when I get my paycheck and I’m short hours, These medications I speak of as well as the visits to see the specialist aren’t cheap so that adds to the depression. One or two days out sick a week can make quite a dent in my savings account.

The change I’ve had to make in my diet is also a stresser, I have been gluten-free for two and half years, thinking the undiagnosed pain was a perhaps a food allergy. My pain did go away for about 14 months without the gluten. When it came back is when I headed back to the doctor. My diet was already limited-no wheat, rye, barley or oats. It seems like just when I had the gluten-free way of life and substitutions down pat, I have to also take away tomatoes, salad dressings, some fruits, soda and chocolate. I remember thinking What is there to live for now? The irony of the soda and the chocolate being bad for IC was those were the comfort foods I would turn to when I was having a flare up (before I knew I had IC) and although I thought I was comforting myself, I was actually harming myself more. So there have been more issues with my diet-more restrictions on my life-than I ever wanted. I don’t want to live without soda and chocolate but I have to or I will keep getting worse. The only part of my diet that I have control over is to NOT eat the things that harm me.

I find that I have a bit of shame and/or embarrassment with having Interstitial Cystitis. I know I have no control over the disease nor how my body reacts to it. My shame or embarrassment comes when I sound like a broken record to those closest to me who ask how I’m feeling. I’m grateful, oohhh sooo grateful that my boyfriend is the man he is. He always asks me how I’m feeling and I love him for being so kind and caring. It’s difficult though, to have to say day after day during a flare up that no, I don’t feel any better. I find it ridiculous that my ten year old asks me how I’m doing or prefaces a request with ‘Mom, if you’re feeling good after school can we… (fill in simple desire of a ten year old here)’. Mom’s health should not be a concern of a boy who is ten. My dad, bless his heart, doesn’t understand IC at all. He doesn’t understand that there isn’t a cure and that everything I’m trying is only a band-aid. When he comes to my house and see’s that I have 5-6 medication bottles on the counter, he shakes his head and asks me when it’s going to stop. He’s an obese diabetic who is insulin dependent and has several other health issues that he takes medication for. I’d like to ask him when his medicinal madness is going to stop, but I don’t. I’m embarrassed that at 38 years old, I have this issue. I’ve tried to embrace it and move on as they say, but hiding my pain (lying about how I feel) only makes it worse.

I’ve found that the only control I have over IC is to reach out and try to find others who have it or others who suffer from chronic pain. I started this blog to help others but to also help myself. It’s a great sounding board. I read other peoples blogs who have IC and/or other chronic pain and I find myself agreeing and sympathizing with them. To further help myself feel less isolated, I searched the Internet for support groups in my area. There was one, One. Over a million people suffer from IC and I realize that not all of them live in Az but only one support group in my area? And it had meetings every other week during the day when I am at work. I searched meetup,com and didn’t much like what i saw there either. After giving it some thought, I really felt like the biggest trigger I have is isolation and maybe more people have the same issue so I did something totally out of character for me and started a meetup group of my own for those with IC and other chronic issues. Within two weeks I had 11 members (a few who also have IC Yay! Finally!) and most everyone said the same thing: I’ve been looking for months for a group where other people could understand me and what I’m going through,

I am a bit depressed today. I have been all week actually. I know it will pass eventually. I just have to take it day by day and try and be kind to myself. Please be kind to yourself today.